Forever missing you, Justin

Happy Birthday!

2011-03-31T08:49:00.002-04:00

8:49 am
Right now...it is your exact birth moment 29 years ago. THE best day of my life, I became a mommy. I am so damn lucky to have been blessed with you. You were always an amazing thing! From babyhood on...
How I wish I could have seem more of your life unfold. How I wish you were able to be Riley's daddy here on earh for much longer.
I miss you, Justin.
Family forever, and ever.
With Love and the biggest hug I can give.
Mom

3 years already?

2010-11-02T13:09:00.003-04:00

How in the hell is that possible?

It has been 3 years already since Justin was taken from us. Shot in cold blood.
And then...has it ONLY been 3 years? It feels both ways, all the time.

Honey, not a day goes by that you are not thought of and missed and loved. By me, your sisters, Jerry, your dad,grandparents, Aunts,cousins, friends....everyone. This void cannot be filled.
However, we are doing what we do, moving on. We have no choice. I know you are proud of how we continue in strength. I ask that you be with me, with all who hold you in their hearts every minute. Fill my heart, our hearts with your love.

I am going to try to do better in my life. I know you are hurting for me. I am okay.

After school the girls and I will do our balloon release at the school. They really enjoy sending you the messages. Today Emma asked if you got the balloons, and I said I sure hope so. But that even if they don't make it to Heaven you still know what they say.

Here is what hers says today, word for word. Is she only 7?:

Dear Justin,
I miss you so much. Every day I think about you. You were the best brother in the world. I can't believe it has been only 3 years. It feels like 100 years without you.
Love,
Emma Gordon

I LOVE YOU, Justin, My sweet sweet son.

Happy Birthday, Sweetheart

2010-03-31T08:11:00.003-04:00

Dear Justin~
Today is your 28th birthday. In 25 minutes exactly. How I wish I could see you and hug you if only for a minute. I will do my best to do that in my heart and mind strong enough for us both to feel it.
I love you, forever. I will miss you all the days of my life.
You have my heart,
Mom

2010-01-07T20:01:00.001-05:00

Another year ....

2009-11-02T11:19:00.003-05:00

Today has been 2 years since you were taken from us. Justin, I can't believe it, I find it impossible some days to accept.
Baby, we miss you so much. I wish I had good things to tell you. The murderer has not been prosecuted. Maybe some day.
Riley is so big and beautiful. She is YOU! But mouthier :) She is adorable. I know you are watching her from above, and are so proud. Tiffany is making you proud too. They miss you every single moment. Riley talks about you all the time.
Abby and Emma are doing well, growing up too fast. Especially Abby. She is an incredible girl.
I am doing my best here without you. I carry you close, but it isn't enough. I know you are with us all, everyday.
I am hugging you tight, my son. I love you with all my big fat heart. :) Remember that?
I LOVE YOU & MISS YOU.
Family Forever,
Mom

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

2009-06-21T16:26:00.004-04:00

Happy Father's Day, Daddy! Today I sent you balloons to heaven and I wrote on them all by myself! It said "I love you Daddy." I love you and miss you very much!

Love, Riley Marie

2009-04-03T12:00:00.001-04:00

Things are not looking good for the prosecution of the low life that murdered Justin. Everyone, please pray that something turns up, something happens that turns this around. He needs to pay for what he has done, for taking such a beautiful person from us, for all the pain and heartbreak he has caused.

2009-04-03T11:56:00.001-04:00

Happy 27th Birthday, Justin

2009-03-31T09:08:00.002-04:00

Hi baby.
Well it's here. A day I am have been dreading because it is so hard. 27 years ago you were born. My first born - you changed my life so much .. for the better. Love like I had never known as I looked at you. What a special baby you were, so sweet. I was blessed with you and continue to feel blessed to be your mama. I just wish our time together was so much longer. So many people miss you and still suffer the grief of losing you. I will never be over it, I will grieve for you until I go. I carry you with me in my heart and soul with every step I take.
Today Tiff, Riley and the girls and I are going to your tree. We are going to plant some spring flowers (too cold yet for more) , clean it up & mulch around it, and hang an ornament or 2. We will be sending your balloon wishes and messages afterward. Carissa is going to send hers up at the same time as we do. We will be on the phone.
Justin, I love you so much and miss you with all I have.
Family Forever,
Mama

Time...

2009-03-03T11:37:00.000-05:00

They say that "time heals", but time has continued on, and

I don't feel healed. Most everyone who has experienced

a loss has spoken those words. And, those words ring so

true. Time softens the blow a bit. Time helps us to look

beyond our pain. Time helps us to reweave our lives with

new joy and cleanse our hearts of the raw pain. Time is

on our side working for us. But, time will never "take

away" all that was lost.

Hope, on the other hand, is that inner strength that gives us

the fortitude and the will to go on when we otherwise would

not have the courage to do so. Hope prods us to see the

power in a new sunrise and to know will full assurance that

we can make it through this day. Hope infuses us with the

energy we need to put one foot in front of the other and to

take mini steps in faith towards healing our broken hearts.

Happy Valentines Day, Daddy

2009-02-14T14:06:00.002-05:00

Dear Daddy,
Happy Valentines Day. I wanted to tell you that I miss you so much. I always wish for you to come home, but I know you are watching over me from heaven. Please tell God I said hi, and that I like skittles. I love you.
Love, Riley

With Deepest Regret

2008-10-19T18:50:00.002-04:00

I think it is appropriate here to acknowledge and ask for prayers to another family hurting. Today a close friend of Justin's passed away. Brad Miller, you will be missed. You were a wonderful friend to Justin, and to Tiffany and Riley since Justin's death. My sympathies go out to the Miller family and to all of the friends that have now lost another friend.
Justin and Brad, I trust that you are together now watching down on all of us, knowing you are loved.

In Loving Memory
Robert Brad Miller
5.18.79 - 10.19.08

Change of Seasons

2008-09-17T19:10:00.004-04:00

It has been a long time since I written here. It is hard and I don't come to your site often enough, Justin.

I hope everyone who comes to check out his site will still come back. I hope all of you are doing well.
It is September, fall is on the way. With that, even harder times are on the way. I, and I know Tiffany and Jerry have been having a rougher than usual time. Last year this time we were getting ready for a family vacation to the Smokies. Looking so forward to spending time together. We had a wonderful time - it was so fun. Justin and I even played Scrabble together one night. We hiked. Played cards. Just relaxed and hung out. It was the last time I saw Justin alive.
I am so thankful to have been given that precious time together, but it sure makes this, my favorite season, very bittersweet.
Before we know it a year will have passed since Justin was taken so brutally from us. That is inconceivable to me. A year without my sweet son!
A year and no arrests, no justice for Justin. I pray every day that will come.

Justin ~ I miss you so much. I think of you and hold you in my heart. Always and forever.

2008-07-01T18:56:00.005-04:00

Happy Anniversary, Justin and Tiffany

Today is your 2nd anniversary. I woke up , and immediately thought of your special wedding day. It was so beautiful. And it is so wrong that you are not here now. It is such a tragedy, and it really hit me hard today. I know that this day has to be just awful for Tiffany. I know you are reaching out to her, and she is to you. I am so sorry you have been taken from each other.
I love you both, and I miss you so much Justin.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, JUSTIN

2008-06-15T09:21:00.004-04:00

It is a sad day today. Being a father was your greatest joy in life, and you should be here. You should be here for everything!
I know you are so proud of Miss Riley. You have every right to be! She is amazing and has many of your qualities. I see you in her! She looks and acts like you. EXACTLY!
So, I hope you are able to celebrate this day in Heaven and know that you are an amazing daddy. I always knew you would be.
I love you so much, Justin. You are missed terribly.
{{{hugs}}}
Your mama

A Tree to Honor Justin

2008-05-25T08:09:00.001-04:00

On May 2nd, 2008 a tree was dedicated to the memory of Justin at Oakwood High School. Justin and Carissa both graduated from this school. The big painted rock you see in the pictures is significant. Each senior class gets to paint that rock, so it changes. It is a popular place in the front courtyard of the high school. It is an honor to have Justin's tree there.
Carissa arranged the whole thing, and it was a very touching memorial to Justin.
Here are a few pictures. The plaque will be on a cement holder , raised. The tree is a Red Oak and will get quite large.
Thanks to the many who came to share this time with us, and to honor my son. Thanks to Principal Boyle and Oakwood High School.

For My Son

2008-04-22T21:52:00.003-04:00

When you were born the stars shone bright
A tiny perfect, wondrous sight.
The babe became a growing boy,
Meeting life with cries of joy.
From awkward steps to reading books,
Games with balls and baiting hooks.
As years went by, a man appeared,
Loved and nurtured through the years.
With honest eyes he views the day,
A caring heart is there to stay.
A silent strength, an active mind,
A better man is hard to find.
I view him with both love and pride,
For you, my son, in him reside.
~Author Unknown

Justin's 26th Birthday

2008-04-03T16:49:00.018-04:00

My sweet son, born 26 yrs ago at 8:49 on March 31st.
This year was a pretty rough one. I really felt like I wanted to celebrate his day, but how do you throw a party for someone who is gone from this earth? Let alone without confusing his 2 year old daughter and young sisters.
It was not the same without you, Justin. Of course, that is a stupid thing to say. You were missed and thought about all day, but then again that is also every day.
We were all together, and had a lazy slow day. Around 3 we started to get balloons ready to take to a park and release for you. It was a pretty day, sunny and not raining. It turned out o-k.
We all miss you so much, and love you so much.
Your 26th birthday, so young, should have been spent with us.

Here is Riley's balloon...she is so darn funny! Can you read it?

Off to find a good spot

Sending all the love we can along with our birthday wishes.

Leaving, feeling a bit lighter .

,

Happy Easter, Justin

2008-03-23T07:59:00.001-04:00

Hi honey,
Another holiday without you. You are missed, each and every day. We love you so much.
Mom, Jer, Abby and Emma

2008-03-16T14:18:00.007-04:00

I Believe

Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin

I feel you come back again

And its like you havent been gone a moment from my side

Like the tears were never cried

Like the hands of time are holding you and me

And with all my heart Im sure were closer than we ever were

I dont have to hear or see, Ive got all the proof I need

There are more than angels watching over me

I believe

That when you die your life goes on

It doesnt end here when youre gone

Every soul is filled with light

It never ends and if Im right

Our love can even reach across eternity

I believe

Forever, youre a part of me

Forever, in the heart of me

And Ill hold you even longer if I can

The people who dont see the most

Say that I believe in ghosts

And if that makes me crazy, then I am

cause I believe

There are more than angels watching over me

I believe

Justin, always in my heart and mind

2008-03-11T12:17:00.005-04:00

The Best of What's Around

Hey my friend

It seems your eyes are troubled

Care to share your times with me

Would you say you're feeling low and so

A good idea would be to get it off your mind

See, you and me

Have a better time than most can dream

Have it better than the best

And so can pull on through

Whatever tears at us

Whatever holds us down

And if nothing can be done

We'll make the best of what's around

Turns out not where but who you're with

That really matters

And hurts not much when you're around

........

I will never hear a Dave Matthew's Band song and not think of you.

Oh, and sorry for always stealing your cds - but I just wanted to listen to your cool music :)

I miss you very much, Justin, and will love you forever.

2008-03-07T19:05:00.003-05:00

I'M THERE INSIDE YOUR HEART

Right now, I'm in a different place,
and though we seem apart,
I'm closer than I ever was ...
I'm there, inside your heart.

I'm with you when you greet each day
and while the sun shines bright.
I'm there to share the sunsets too.
I'm with you every night.

I'm with you when the times are good,
to share a laugh or two
And if a tear should start to fall,
I'll still be there for you.

And when the day arrives
That we no longer are apart,
I'll smile and hold you close to me,
Forever in my heart.

2008-03-06T19:57:00.002-05:00

A LOVE SONG

The mention of my child's name
may bring tears to my eyes
but it never fails to
bring music to my ears.
If you really are my friend
please, don't keep me
from hearing the beautiful music.
It soothes my broken heart
and fills my soul with love.

~~~Nancy Williams

Where is everyone??

2008-02-23T20:24:00.003-05:00

Come on friends and family!!
Please talk about Justin -- funny stories, sweet ones, anything you would like to share and remember about your friendship and love for him.
You can either e-mail me your story or let me know you want to post and I will add you to the allowable posters. Then you can post pictures,poems, prayers, stories, anything at all. I just want to keep Justin's spirit alive and want the important people in his life to be involved.
Oh, and when you stop by please sign the guestbook even if you don't want to post a story on the actual site.
Can't wait to hear from you,
Micki

Happy Valentine's Day, my first real love

2008-02-14T16:53:00.005-05:00

Justin, the moment you came into my life was the moment I learned what it meant to truly love and give to someone with everything I am. You taught me so much. You were my first real , honest, holding nothing back love. My firstborn child. You know that feeling well! Today, I have thought about you so much. I miss you, and send you all my heart.

Justin's Little Girl

2008-02-02T09:58:00.000-05:00

Miss Riley is here with us this weekend. She is so grown up for a newly turned 2 year old! She is amazing. She talks so much and so clearly. She has a definite mind of her own. And...she reminds me of Justin at that age. He was a bright, ahead of his age child and so is Riley. They look alike, especially when he was that age. She has been a good girl for us.
She has mentioned her daddy everyday, more than once. She says "Daddy is home with the angels". She saw some rocks that Abby had collected and grabbed one and said "Daddy gave me this. He got it in the jungle". We know what that means because he gave her a pretty, smooth rock that she cherished while we were in Gatlinburg the end of October. She called the woods the jungle :)
Here is a picture of Riley and Emma taken yesterday.

WE ALL MISS YOU and
LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
JUSTIN!

This one's for you, Tiff!

2008-01-23T16:51:00.001-05:00

Another picture from the Wax Museum in Gatlinburg, taken 10 days before Justin died. In case you can't tell, this is a wax Ben Affleck, Tiff's fantasy guy :) So Justin was punching him out!

The Best

2008-01-23T16:36:00.000-05:00

Here's the deal... I'm the best there is, plain and simple.

So true of both Justin and Ricky Bobby!
This was taken in Gatlinburg only about 10 days before his death. He loved this picture!

Justin, I miss that smile and your spirit more than you could know. I love you with all I have.
Mom

Healing After Loss ~ January 22

2008-01-22T19:31:00.000-05:00

Part of the process of rebirth is the growth of a new relationship with the dead. Like all gestation, it is a slow, dark , wordless process. While it is taking place, one is painfully vulnerable. One must guard and protect the new life growing with-in, like a child. ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

It is over shaky ground, this journey between the relationship we had when the person was alive and the relationship we come to have with the dead. We don't know what to expect, don't even know what we are looking for. Are we fooling ourselves, conjuring up the possibility that we can have a relationship with someone who's died?
Perhaps it is a little like a first-time parent who, anxious that something may go wrong, has to keep going back and checking on the baby. Is the baby alright ? Still sleeping peacefully?
After a while the parent becomes more confident. The baby really is there, and safe, but as with other miracles, this miracle of birth takes getting used to. Perhaps in this manner comes the slowly dawning confidence that in the mystery of living, it is possible to have an on-going relationship with the dead.

I will open my heart in trust that, in ways I do not now understand, my loved one will continue to be present in my life.

My big brother forever

2008-01-21T20:47:00.000-05:00

"I am I and you are you,

Whatever we were to each other

That we still are.

Speak to me in the easy way

Which you always used.

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

Life means all that it ever meant,

It is the same as it ever was."

Justin, life is not the same without you and I am having trouble accepting that it never will change. I just hope in my heart that you know how lucky I always felt to have you as my big brother and my confidant. I cherish your gentle voice, your goofy laugh, your warm embrace and your loving nature. I miss you every day and I feel like a part of me is gone. You will always be my big brother - the best brother anyone could ask for.

I love you with all that I am and I will never forget you.

The greatest news

2008-01-21T20:13:00.000-05:00

For me, trying to choose a favorite memory about Justin is impossible. My whole life is a continuous memory of him. But I will share one of the best moments in recent years.

I finished my last class one spring day and realized I had a voicemail from Justin. He said he had something important to tell me and asked that I return his call as soon as I could. As I was walking home I called him back thinking something bad has happened at home. So here I am, outside my sophomore dorm, when Justin says, "You are going to be an aunt." I was like, what do you mean? Kara isn't pregnant, is she? Uh DUH! I don't know why I didn't immediately understand what he was telling me, but needless to say I took a seat on a stone bench and told Justin I would call him back when I caught my breath.

That afternoon, even through the phone, I could feel Justin's excitement and joy at the idea of being a father. Those feelings never left him and I have never seen him happier than when he was playing or snuggling with Riley. I snapped this photo on Christmas morning, Riley's first, and it is one of my favorites.

Justin, I promise I will do my best to help Riley understand who her daddy was and how deeply you will always love her. Thank you for teaching her to call me "Auntie C." I hope I make you proud as her aunt.

Healing After Loss - January 21

2008-01-21T16:08:00.000-05:00

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. -- MATTHEW 5:4

In the catalog of only nine teachings Jesus gave his disciples on how best to live one's life, this comes second. Mourning in integral to life, it is part of everyone's life, and it's outcome is certain. To mourn is to be comforted.
But how quickly we would turn away from it if we could. Mourning itself is anything but comfortable.
That's not what is promised in Jesus' teaching.
What is promised is that those with the courage to mourn will find, in the wake of mourning, a strange blessing: that after sadness is expressed, the pain released into the accepting air, it is as though some love at the heart of life wraps its arms around the mourner and says, "There, there, I am with you, I hear you, I understand. Everything's going to be all right."

In this darkness I will reach out my hand, trusting that life reaches toward me, bringing me comfort and strength to prevail.

Thank you MIcki

2008-01-20T22:32:00.000-05:00

Thanks Micki for putting all this work in for these websites. If there is any way that I can be of help just let me know. I miss Justin so much and I still can't put it into words.

Love ya,
Kyle

Healing After Loss - January 20

2008-01-20T10:27:00.000-05:00

Pain is the most individualizing thing on earth. It is true that it is the great common bond as well, but that realization comes only when it is over. To suffer is to be alone. To watch another suffer is to know the barrier that shuts each of us away by himself. Only individuals can suffer. ~ Edith Hamilton

It is all very well to talk about the universitality of grief. But at the time of our loss we feel as though we are the only person in the world who has the feelings we have -- and we are right! If well meaning friends say to us, " I know just how you feel," we inwardly bristle with denial -- No, no. You couldn't know what this is like.
Even our closest family members have a different experience than we, and sometimes we stumble all over one another, hurt one another, and feel hurt ourselves because we assume that since we are grieving for the same person, our grief is the same.
And yet...and yet...At no other time do we need other people more. There is a fine balance called for between our need to honor the sanctity or our own inner space and our need for others to be present--for love, for company, for understanding support.

I would say to my friends -- When I cannot come out from my house of grief, put your hand to the open window and I will hold on for dear life.

"Healing After Loss" January 19

2008-01-19T12:44:00.000-05:00

Each day that I can I am going to post from a book I am reading. It is called HEALING AFTER LOSS- Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman.
Thank you Maria for the thoughtful gift. I read it everyday. Each day is one small page to read and think over. It has helped me so I thought it might be nice to post here.
Here is today's : JANUARY 19

Trade with the gifts God had given you. ~~ Hilda of Whitby

At no time more than we are grieving do we need to pay attention to the person we are. Something vastly important has been taken away. What are we left with? What else that is important to us is still here?
An inner conversation may help those of us who are grieving "get back on track" once more. Are there hobbies we value but haven't paid much attention to? Projects we have waited until "later" to pursue? Some work of service we had enjoyed but seem to have moved away from? To pick up some of the important threads we may have set aside is to hasten the reweaving of our life into a coherent pattern again.

I will be on the lookout today for ways to use the unique gifts God has given me.

Welcome All

2008-01-18T17:48:00.000-05:00

Please feel free to post any stories, poems, quotes, pictures, etc that you want. I invited some that will be able to be "authors" and if anyone else wants to be able to post here about Justin just e-mail me and I will add you. Also, I can add more songs.
If you add posts and pictures I may rearrange them, but I will leave them on the site. Anyone can comment to each post.

I have just started this new one a few days ago. The other site has been down a long while, and I am tired of waiting. Once it gets back up I will get the thoughts and pictures off of it.

Take care everyone.

Love you Justin, I miss you so much, every day, every minute. Jerry and I talk about you and look at pictures and cry for you, for what we have lost. You are in our hearts, and in our lives, forever.